The Exchanged Life

Once it was the blessing, now it is the Lord;

Once it was the feeling, now it is His Word;

Once His gifts I wanted, now the Giver own;

Once I sought for healing, now Himself alone.

Once ‘twas painful trying, now ‘tis perfect trust;

Once a half salvation, now the uttermost;

Once ‘twas ceaseless holding, now He holds me fast;

Once ‘twas constant drifting, now my anchor’s cast.

Once ‘twas busy planning, now ‘tis trustful prayer;

Once ’twas anxious caring, now He was the care;

Once ‘twas what I wanted, now what Jesus says;

Once ‘twas constant asking, now ‘tis ceaseless praise.

Once it was my working, His it hence shall be;

Once I tried to use Him, how He uses me;

Once the power I wanted, Now the Mighty One;

Once for Him I labored, now for Him alone…

                                                            Dr. A. B. Simpson

To Be the Hands of Christ

This morning I was inspired, rebuked and challenged by reading from Ministry of Healing. What a wonderful book to read! 

“All around us are afflicted souls. Here and there, everywhere, we may find them. Let us search out these suffering ones and speak a word in season to comfort their hearts. Let us ever be channels through which shall flow the refreshing waters of compassion” MH158.

I realized that I am privileged to be spared from having to search for those suffering ones. Lord, you placed me in the infirmary of those who are discouraged, torn by burdens, pain and hopelessness. Devil is triumphant seeing those poor children of yours entangled in chaos, disease, infirmities, facing death. Help me to ever be the channel through which You can reveal the sweetness of Your character. Help me ever to be that there, for to you reveal your compassion and be a vessel through which you will lift the fallen and bring hope to the hopeless, healing to the ill, courage to the discouraged, strength to the helpless.

And thank you for the encouragement and promise You giving me: “There is no limit to the usefulness of one who, putting self aside, makes room for the working of the Holy Spirit upon his heart and lives a life wholly consecrated to God. All who consecrate body, soul and spirit to His service will be constantly receiving a new endowment of physical, mental, and spiritual power” MH 159.

Update to the "Prayer... Brings Us Up to Him"

      For those who read the blog I wrote earlier today, may want to know what happened the rest of they day. After sleeping for another hour, spending more time in though and prayer, chatting with my mother and catching up on a few things I had to do,  I got called in to work! I got to work for about  5 hours today. It was a whole new experience coming to work in the middle of they day, so I learned a few new things. God gave me a good experience with my patients.  God's ways are unknown to us at times, but this experience gave me even deeper trust that God is in control on my life :)

"Prayer... Brings Us Up to Him"

     Ever since I got my first RN job at the hospital, I realized that nursing job is nothing to sneeze at, it is tough! And if not for the fact that God miraculously gave me this job, I would be tempted to quit it many times over. But since this job came form the very hands of God, all I can do is to cling to His hands, and to press forward.

     Today I was supposed to be working. I dragged myself out of bed, whispering a prayer, still half asleep. Since I started working, I started to cherish prayer so much more than I have ever before. I prayed to God this morning, that He would give me the spirit of prayer, so when obstacles come, first thing I’ll do, is consult with Him. Then, I Reached for Christian Service, read a few paragraphs. It was not my usual “half-an-hour or more” devotion time, but I was filled, blessed and had peace in my heart.

     Got ready to work somehow, drove to work, clocked in, walked to the table where one finds the assignments for the day. I looked on the paper to see which patients I will have today, just to find out that my name was not on there. “Hmm…” I thought for myself, “was I not on a schedule?” I looked at my phone to verify what date is today, and remembered that I glanced at the schedule just a few days ago, and yes I was on the schedule to work for today. I checked my phone again, to see, if by chance I missed a call from the hospital, asking me not to come in today. There was no missed call. I walked to the nurses’ station and asked the night shift charge nurse about it. Apparently my name was on one schedule, but by mistake didn’t get transferred to the schedule that the charge nurses use. So, not knowing I was on for today, she made assignments without me, and now, at the shift change, there was no way to give me an assignment. I was listening to all this, and to my surprise… I didn’t get upset about the situation! As I turned away to go back home, I found myself smiling. “Father, thank you... Thank you, for preparing me for an early morning, unexpected, little, insignificant battle. Thank you for not allowing me to get upset, and giving me a smile instead”

     You may be reading this and thinking… “She is writing a blog about this? What is so special about it? I am wasting my time reading it!”

     Yes, my prayer this morning was not for some great miracle, and no big great thing happened as a result to my prayer. And yes, to my prayer for wisdom and compassion in working with the patients today, God simply answered: “You will not have patients today”. I didn’t get the answer I asked for. In fact, I got a definite “No” for an answer to my prayer. I believe, only because I entrusted myself and my patients into the hands of my Father this morning, I took His answer “No” with a smile. “Prayer does not bring God down to us, but brings us up to Him” Steps to Christ, 93. Although, often we brush off little things in expectations for God to work mighty things in our lives, it is through little, seemingly insignificant incidents that we build our faith. God is the God of every smallest detail, and lovingly,with care, He hears our small requests.

     Walking through the hospital, back to the exit, I thought to myself, if I should talk to somebody about this incident. Thankfully, I live a 5 minute drive away from work, but there are many nurses that come from far off, and these kinds of mistakes in schedule may not be fun to handle when they happen so somebody. As I was prayerfully thinking if I should just brush this incident off and forget about it, or mention it to somebody, I almost ran into the nurses manager! I have never seen her coming to work at 5:45 in the morning before!  I approached her, and politely, with a smile on my face told her, what has happened. She understood, and promised she’d look into the situation and talk to her assistant, who is in charge of the schedules.

     Perhaps, God will show me, why He needed me not to work today. Or, perhaps, He will not show it to me. But I can trust Him, that He knows what He is doing, and it is all for the best. 

Define Necessity

This picture speaks for itself... could not help, but share it. 

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      Laying in my bed, and trying to understand, why does my body have to wake up at 4:20 AM even when there is no work to get ready for, no papers to write. I want it to sleep longer…

      I am so happy there are no papers to write and projects to prepare for a whole month! One semester is finally over, and I am halfway through my RN-to-BSN program. That makes me smile. I already see a faint, pin point light at the end of the tunnel!

       Last 4 months… they seemed like eternity! So many changes have taken place, so many things happened. I lay and contemplate on the past for a moment....

       Many tears shed, many times “why, Father?” asked…  I am amazed that I got though it all…I know I would never have…. Looking back at the path, I see only one set of footprints behind, and I have no questions, why. I was carried by the loving hands of my Father…. Tears of gratefulness fill my eyes. “Why are though cast down, O my soul? And why are though disquieted within me? Hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God” (Ps. 43:5). This promise has carried me though those few last months and encouraged me to push forward even when there seemed no hope ahead. Yes, my soul was cast down at times and I feelt unrest, as I have been walking through the valleys of trials and darkness. And I am still in that valley. More trials are ahead of me…But I rejoice now, and praise Him, because somehow, it all makes sense now. I still don’t understand reason and purpose for all what is happening in my life, but somehow I have assurance that God is working everything together for my own good and for my happiness. He wants to pattern my life after His, because that is the only thing that will make me truly happy and satisfied.  

      Back to work tomorrow… I am not ready to face cranky doctors, pain stricken patients, and demanding family members again… That is something that nursing school has not prepared me for… And I would be ready to quit it all right now, if I was doing this work for myself. But it is not about me… I am on a mission to be the channel of God through which He wants to transform the darkness, misery and pain into light, happiness and comfort. What a privilege, I have to be His channel!

     No matter what tomorrow brings, I have assurance that He will carry me though it on His arms, and all I want is to “praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God”

When There is Nothing to Lean On

New beginnings… Sometimes the bends in the road creep up at you so unexpectedly on the life’s path! Before you even realize what has happened, you find yourself in a completely new place, doing something you haven’t done before in your life, and you were not even planning on doing it at this time!

I am currently living this experience. Before I even realized, I found myself literally in the middle of nowhere, in the northeastern corner of rural Oklahoma, in a little town, called Grove, surrounded by a beautiful lake. It is still hard to believe that Oklahoma Academy, which I called my home for the last almost 8 years, ever since I came from Lithuania, is not quiet my home anymore. It is unbelievable to be at the place that I never even knew of!

And here I am, renting a small two bedroom apartment together with one of my classmates from nursing school, in the outskirts of little town of Grove, and working at this tiny two story town hospital as a nurse.

As I sit on the floor of my apartment (still don’t have any furniture), I am trying to understand, what, after all, God is trying to do with my life.  In my melancholy mood, with the teary eyes, I am trying to understand, why God took away - so rapidly - my closest friends in whom I could confine my thoughts, fears, needs from my immediate circle, and from places I knew and felt comfortable at. Why did He place me in the place I hardly or not at all know anybody, placed me on this floor, at this particular apartment of this tiny little town to work at this little hospital. At one of those melancholy times one of my best friends shared something with me, that encouraged me:
"I was shown a cluster of trees, standing near together, forming a circle. Running up over these trees was a vine which covered them at the top, and rested upon them, forming an arbor. Soon I saw the trees swaying to and fro, as though moved by a powerful wind. One branch after another of the vine was shaken from its support, until the vine was shaken loose from the trees, except a few tendrils which were left clinging   to the lower branches. A person then came up and severed the remaining clinging tendrils of the vine, and it l    lay prostrated upon the earth. 

Many passed and looked pityingly upon it, and I waited anxiously for a friendly hand to raise it; but no help was offered. I inquired why no hand raised the vine. Presently I saw an angel come to the apparently deserted vine. He spread out his arms and placed them beneath the vine, and raised it so that it stood upright, saying: "Stand toward heaven, and let thy tendrils entwine about God. Thou art shaken from human support. Thou canst stand, in the strength of God, and flourish without it. Lean upon God alone, and thou shalt never lean in vain, or be shaken therefrom." 

As I saw the neglected vine cared for, I felt inexpressible relief, amounting to joy, I turned to the angel and inquired what these things meant. Said he: "Thou art this vine. All this thou wilt experience, and then, when these things occur, thou shalt fully understand the figure of the vine. God will be to thee a present help in time of trouble" Life Sketches of E.G.White pg.176.

Only in times like that, where there is nobody around me to lean on, or talk to, feeling alone, stressed from the pressures of ever increasing school load, and feeling overwhelmed adjusting to the my new unexpected job,  God is calling me to lean upon Him, and Him alone. As I sit on this carpeted floor (God is good J, the floor is not hard!), He is calling me, so He can spend precious moments with me! The King of the universe, my Father and my Friend, wants to spend a quality time with ME… He missed me… He wants to reveal to me, that nobody and nothing else, but He alone can be leaned upon.  He alone can be trusted…. And only He alone can wipe away those tears, and understand my deepest thoughts, needs and desires.

 And then the smile comes on my still wet from tears face… God sent me on a new adventure!And sky is the limit, of many possibilities for which He has possibly sent me here for. The only thing He requires of me right now, is to do nothing else, just to lean on Him… 

As I lift my face to Him, all I can say, is: “Father, I surely can do that much for You...In fact, right now, ALL I can do, is to helplessly lean on You…  I know that you have beautiful dreams for me, and the circumstances I am in right now, are just the first step in fulfilling those dreams in my life. You never before disappointed me, why should I fear? You have proven yourself over and over again in my life to be trustworthy. All I can do is to continue to trust in You”.